Monday, March 27, 2006
In life , things that are left unsaid - intentionally or not are the things that say the most.
Yet these things left unsaid like - i love you. im thankful for your existence. glad u are my friend. thank you. please. you're important to me. are the hardest things to say. Yet they are the things that define our very existence and these people play a tremendously important part in our lifes.
why then do we swallow back out words and affection that we have for one another and instead replace it with words like - U suck! i hate u! and stuff like sacarsm? why cant we just show these things directly. Why do we assume that everyone had signed a silent golden agreement since birth which acknowledges and accepts our silly ways of expression instead of that in its purest form?
I've been thinking about it and perhaps one of the bigger factors would be pride. Everybody has their pride.. some stronger than other and somehow in my opinion our pride is sometimes our shield. we call it pride .. but sometimes its just a display of certain weird reactions that are used to shield and protect us to make us seem less penetrable... less vunerable..so if thats the case wouldnt the pivot for pride be that of fear?Paradoxically, how many of us fear leaving this world without saying our last good byes or letting some else know how much we love them?
i for one am not a an expressive person when if comes to love and affection. sometimes when somebody gives me a hug or give me an overwhelming greeting or like tell me they miss me and stuff i feel queerly uncomfortable. i dont know how many of you feel the same as me. i dont quite know how to love others or tell others i love them. somehow familiarity has erased all need to show love and concern in its purest form. in fact somehow or another the term silly or crazy has become synonymous with the expression of love. words like mushy have became a taboo of sorts. a vocabulary that many do not wish to be associated with.
i lost my friend rae in 2003.. she was one of those expressive quirky little girls who would run up to me and say : " i love you nat!" followed by a big hug.. but i was never able to tell her the same.. i merely let her hug me without hugging her back and say stuff like :"you're crazy! get off me!" but when she left us.. i really wished that i told her i loved her and shower her with the same love and affection she gave me.. but that was too late.. and till today i havent quite learnt my lesson.
on the topic of expressing. sometimes when u have a hesitate abt expressing something or feel guilty just even typing or writing it down.. u have a problem.. to me the inability to express something be it verbally or literally is an act or evasion. by not expressing it or materialising it in speech or writing shows failure to acknowledge a problem within. and why is that so? for me i refuse to do it because im afraid of showing others who i really am. my vulnerable side . my archilles heel. and also im afraid of the judgement this world would pass on me.
im sure many of you are like me.. which is why we're really pretty much alone in this world.. because nobody knows yourself like you do .. but yet even within ourselves we split up who we really are from who we wish to perceive ourself to be.why do we even have to have secrets lurking in the back of our subconcious anyway?Within myself there is 2 of me.. the one i willingly and consciously perceive myself to be and the other which i subconciously let linger and consciously refuse to acknowledge or present it.
which i why i admire those who dare to bare it all . people who dare to step out and truly be themselves ,even if they understand that not all maybe able to accept them and that they might draw hundreeds , thousands or even millions of disgruntled faces.at the very least they ahve the courage to come out and the ability to face others.
hopefully, come a day we would be able to let go of our hesitations and be who we really are . where within our very self there are no secrets that we hide from 'us truly'.
Yet these things left unsaid like - i love you. im thankful for your existence. glad u are my friend. thank you. please. you're important to me. are the hardest things to say. Yet they are the things that define our very existence and these people play a tremendously important part in our lifes.
why then do we swallow back out words and affection that we have for one another and instead replace it with words like - U suck! i hate u! and stuff like sacarsm? why cant we just show these things directly. Why do we assume that everyone had signed a silent golden agreement since birth which acknowledges and accepts our silly ways of expression instead of that in its purest form?
I've been thinking about it and perhaps one of the bigger factors would be pride. Everybody has their pride.. some stronger than other and somehow in my opinion our pride is sometimes our shield. we call it pride .. but sometimes its just a display of certain weird reactions that are used to shield and protect us to make us seem less penetrable... less vunerable..so if thats the case wouldnt the pivot for pride be that of fear?Paradoxically, how many of us fear leaving this world without saying our last good byes or letting some else know how much we love them?
i for one am not a an expressive person when if comes to love and affection. sometimes when somebody gives me a hug or give me an overwhelming greeting or like tell me they miss me and stuff i feel queerly uncomfortable. i dont know how many of you feel the same as me. i dont quite know how to love others or tell others i love them. somehow familiarity has erased all need to show love and concern in its purest form. in fact somehow or another the term silly or crazy has become synonymous with the expression of love. words like mushy have became a taboo of sorts. a vocabulary that many do not wish to be associated with.
i lost my friend rae in 2003.. she was one of those expressive quirky little girls who would run up to me and say : " i love you nat!" followed by a big hug.. but i was never able to tell her the same.. i merely let her hug me without hugging her back and say stuff like :"you're crazy! get off me!" but when she left us.. i really wished that i told her i loved her and shower her with the same love and affection she gave me.. but that was too late.. and till today i havent quite learnt my lesson.
on the topic of expressing. sometimes when u have a hesitate abt expressing something or feel guilty just even typing or writing it down.. u have a problem.. to me the inability to express something be it verbally or literally is an act or evasion. by not expressing it or materialising it in speech or writing shows failure to acknowledge a problem within. and why is that so? for me i refuse to do it because im afraid of showing others who i really am. my vulnerable side . my archilles heel. and also im afraid of the judgement this world would pass on me.
im sure many of you are like me.. which is why we're really pretty much alone in this world.. because nobody knows yourself like you do .. but yet even within ourselves we split up who we really are from who we wish to perceive ourself to be.why do we even have to have secrets lurking in the back of our subconcious anyway?Within myself there is 2 of me.. the one i willingly and consciously perceive myself to be and the other which i subconciously let linger and consciously refuse to acknowledge or present it.
which i why i admire those who dare to bare it all . people who dare to step out and truly be themselves ,even if they understand that not all maybe able to accept them and that they might draw hundreeds , thousands or even millions of disgruntled faces.at the very least they ahve the courage to come out and the ability to face others.
hopefully, come a day we would be able to let go of our hesitations and be who we really are . where within our very self there are no secrets that we hide from 'us truly'.
# posted by - : 10:53 PM
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