NAT KANG COLE

"Do not let time control you. Control your time."

Im sure that in the short span of our existence we have heard this phrase more than once. I think the first time i heard in was in primary school. Since then, i've heard this preaching about another gazillion times only. Its remarkable how i thought it made so much sense, how i felt so powerful after hearing it. It made me feel like i was in control of my destiny. All i needed was control and time. This was all i needed to becoming the next highly empowered, sucessful individual who would 'naturalich'(german) pen the next best self help book endorsed by the newyork times.

All along i was blinded by the misconception that a healthy control of time would buy me freedom. No longer would i be tied down to time, i will not live my life rushing from one deadline to another. I would be a free woman, constrained by naught. All i needed was that magic formulae that would bestow upon me the power to control time and hence my destiny. But what utter nonsense that was to me. It seems that just instead of becoming controled by the micro god of time, i would find myself in bondage to the macro god of time. The bigger god of course, the more powerful one. The one whose force would always be undercurrently pervasive, naked to the insenstivity of the human mind.

I found myself questioning today, the reason behind why i was suddenly so eager, so hungry for new skills and knowledge. Why i suddenly decided that i wanted to learn a new language and new skills like driving, tennis, golf and tutoring. And why was it that each time i decided to embark on a new journey in pursuit of new knowlege i would be so preoccupied with time. I seriously calculate how long it would take me to learn something new, how old would i be? Why did i plan my life in such away that i must acquire new knowledge and credentials before a certain age? Why have i put a dateline to my capacity to learn? Have i been too consumed with the culture of time? In controlling time, was i in turn shaping my destiny?By using time more wisely did i really have the freedom to do what i want with it?

Not really it may seem. I just found myself wanting to do more things. Things i thought would help me on my road to my ideal success. In freeing myself from the micro god of time, i found myself embracing a more brutal kind of belief. I was becoming controlled by my yearn for success. Success that would always be crucial in determining a singaporean's status in life. Well im not so much concerned by my status in life, but rather being able to provide for myself and my family. Basic provision you might scoff. But no. I have this rather crude belief that comfort comes with having the ability to afford leisure and luxury. Not luxury as in donald trump's kind luxury but luxury as in having my own house, my own car, and a holiday a year to my prefered destination in the world. That my friend,isnt enough to be considered as luxury in singapore. This is but the mere necessities that an average singaporean would demand from life.
I like many other fellow singaporeans am increasingly becoming controlled by my yearn for success and independence. Success which invariably consisted of intellectual, emotional and material greed.

Truth is we're all caught up in this rat race. Time is money and money spells success. I would describe our path to success as a climb up a downward moving escalator. Stay still for a minute and find yourself at the bottom of the heirachy of life again. We constanly have to be the move, to forward ourselves. We have no options but to move forward to keep in pace with the high demands of our consummerist culture. If we're good, we should move faster, out-running the escalator so that we may reach the top.

I feel ashamed to be part of this materialistic cold impersonal beuracratic way of life. Even embrarassed to be blogging about it now. It makes me feel so queer, so materialistic, so superficial, so bad. But i would feel even worse if i werent part of it.

Truth be told, even if i have aspirations to change the world, did u think i'd be content with doing it when my basic necessities are not met? Do you think i would give a damn if the neighbouring country would suddenly be stricken with an epidemic? The hunger and sheer uncomfort of my situation would surely be all is needed to make me cynical bitter and apathetic to the happenings around me. Each man to his own. To help others we must do better than survive. Demand and supply. When supply is low